Damn it Heaven

Damn it heaven!!! Don't you have enough angels?!? Why did you have to take mine?!?

This was the my silent scream that I repeated over and over as the tears and sobs came... I sank to the bottom of my shower... beat the wall with trembling fists... rage and pain taking their only outlet ... tears...


This morning I got the call... My Mom in tears... My Aunt passed away in her sleep last night.

This is where we all say all those things that you are thinking right now... better place... peaceful... not in pain... she is with you... blah freaking blah... don't get me wrong I believe whole-heartedly in all of that... every one of those things is absolutely true.  JUST NOT RIGHT NOW!!!

Right now I am selfish and incredibly pissed... I don't want her in a better place I want her HERE.  I want one more hug, one more smile, one more smart ass comment, one more text telling me I can get thru this.  I don't want to miss her yet.. I'm not ready ... I still need her... God Damn it!!! Im soooo angry!! I don't want to feel better... I want to hurt... because this effing sucks.

This last trip just a month ago... I knew... I knew it was good bye...  

She made her body go to my girls soccer games, a memory they will always have.  We drove to portland just so she could experience the food carts and voodoo donuts.  Im smiling just thinking about it. As angry as I am I can't help but smile when I remember her...  what more of a legacy can we hope to leave.

I was so blessed that some very important  people took time out to meet her in person.  They immediately saw what we all did.  She is pure good.  Her spirit is ... well there just aren't words... I could see it in their eyes... you can't NOT be affected by being in her presence.  Love - she embodied Love - the phrase unconditional love is thrown around alot; over used, misunderstood and under practiced but I can tell you with a certainty that she loves unconditionally.  While we don't understand how to ...She didn't understand how NOT to.

The greatest compliment I could ever receive is to have someone say I love like my aunt.

The last text I received from my Aunt:

"I love you! You are smart - You are kind - You are beautiful. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. I will pummel them into nothingness if they do B-)"

I realize through the anger and pain how blessed I am that --- that is my last memory of her... Her loving me...







Here is a link to a story that ran a couple years ago with her in it...  You know my aunt, the President and the grand canyon ... that's how she rolled 

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2009/08/15/20090815obamaarizona-ON.html

My Daughter Samira's letter about her Aunt Joyce

Tonight at dinner it was time to explain to the kids that I would be leaving and the reality of why.  We have never hid my aunt's cancer from them, nor have we hid death in general from them.  They have been to many funerals and even spent time at their great grandfather's bedside in his final days.

We have explained to them that the tears that come when some one dies are not for the person that has gone for they are in paradise but we grieve for ourselves because we will miss their physical presence, we grieve for those closest to them that will miss having them HERE.  We have tried to teach them to be a source of comfort and joy to those who are hurting at the loss of a loved one and not to shy away from the other person's pain or feel as though they have done something wrong if someone starts to cry - that is just part of the process.

My girls were, of course, upset and sad - tears were shed and plans made for gifts, pictures and stories to send with me.  The hardest hit was my oldest (11) Samira.  She could understand the finality of the situation and had spent more years with my aunt, so it wasn't surprising that she was hurting.  There were many angry tears shed and screaming "I HATE CANCER" ... can't say I disagree with her... I told her that I found writing helped me and that maybe she should try that.  

I went to work out (had some stress to relieve) when I got home she handed me her latest journal entry and asked me if I would put it on my blog... so here it is with no editing - just as she wrote it.

MY IDOLS MY HEROS

    A for aunt, J for Joyce.

6 words that my life leans on over the next 3 weeks.  

My aunt is dying of cancer, and I can't go see her.  I would cut off all my hair, give away a limb, anything to make her feel better. I would. NO joke. I wish I could be more like my mom, Nicole. She helps even when She needs help.

I wish I could make my aunt feel loved more than anything in the world.  I wish my Uncle Neil didn't have to go downhill with her.  I wish Cancer would end.  LOVE. I LOVE my family, and everyone out there. I grieve for people who have lost their lives, and are happy at the same time.  In Heaven they don't hurt.

--- Samira Weathers 

age 11 1/6 Corvallis, Oregon 

February 15th 

from the inside out

As most of you know now in just 2 weeks I will be with Aunt. It seems so far away, yet the 3 weeks I am there will then seem too short.

Many people have said that they appreciate the real and raw take my aunt and I have taken with this subject of life, cancer, death and LOVE.. and that means sooo much!

I went on a run today, I didn't want to one bit - I was up late, drained, fighting a migraine whine whine whine! BUT it was soooooo sunny (rare) and I wanted to not feel toooooo guilty about sitting on my ass and stuffing my face during the game so out I headed.

I was never a runner, hated it... not sure I like it now, actually... but when I run there is a part of that wall that "holds it all together"  that comes down when I run long enough allowing the demons... and the angels hiding inside me to come out for just a little while.

Today I was running -- didn't want to keep going, except for the sun on my face, I was ready to just quit.  Then one ray of very warm sunlight hit my face and instantly warmed me from the inside out.  Tears immediately started to run down my cheeks and my chest felt as though it was going to burst and explode out of my chest.  The tears coming fast and heavy, were tears of pure LOVE and JOY.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind it was Aunt visiting me.  I actually said hi to her out loud and I know she heard me.

This was a bittersweet moment for me because it means that her hold on  the physical world is slipping if she can visit me and be with me soooo completely... this realization was tough - it stopped me in my tracks and the anger and the grief tried to break through and for a moment it was hard to breathe- then ultimately I drove the fear out and just sat with the love and tenderness she was sending me.

I let the moment remind me of what I ... WE already know - that we never really leave each other, that this physical form is just one small and even, limiting piece of who we are.

In an hour or so her and I will be smack talking about football and junk food over twitter and enjoying the smart ass side of our relationship and those moments will mean just as much to me as the one on the run.... they are all who she is, what she gives me and who we are together.

Enjoy each other and GOOOOOOOO PATSSSSS!!!!

Now off to Arizona

latest part of our journey...

Since our amazing time together in September her physical health has, of course, declined but for every tumor level increase her soul and heart exponentially grows.

She doesn't ask me to hide my sadness and anger over her cancer and that Im pissed she is leaving me physically too soon and in return I am excepting that she can be okay with going.  

We tell each other all the time how much we love each other and how much we mean to each other.  

She tweets all the time that cancer can have her body... but that all it will take.  She holds nothing back when expressing her love and caring for those around her.  She makes sure everyone knows exactly what the mean to her now and forever.

So we have come to the point where it is time to rally the troops.  My mom and I leave for Arizona in just a few weeks and will stay at least 3 weeks.  It makes people uncomfortable when I say I want to see my aunt again before she dies or that I "hope" to be there at the end of her time here.  

Cancer and other terminal illnesses are strange beasts that come and leave you with as many gifts as they do scars.  I can honestly say I am a better person because my aunt is dying of cancer.  

If God wills it I want to be there at the end.  I want to witness her spirit and her soul being set free.  Free from pain, meds, foggy chemo brain, doctor appointments, waiting... free to be in peace.  She has given me sooooo much I want to be able to see her go up to where she will have it all. 

I never saw the beauty in death before her.  She has taught me that regardless of your physical limitations, your heart can always give comfort and strength to others. She has taught me so many lessons about the real meanings of life, love and ultimately death.

I could go on forever with how amazing she is but I will save that for another blog... 

The September to Remember

Though my aunt and I have always been close, I can't say we have discussed matters of religion, life and death at length before.

She knew that the days her body would be with us were ticking down. So she made a quick and spontaneous visit up here.  She took a whole month off chemo (just a prolonging  measure) to come be with us possibly one last time.

I knew that these were days I would never be able to get back so I dropped everything and went to the coast to stay with them.

It could have been solemn and depressing or fake and superficial but instead it was hilarious, raw, sad and REAL.

We talked about her cancer seriously when we wanted to, we made fun of it when we wanted to, we talked about death, life, God, family.  No subject was left untouched, no words unsaid, no feelings unexpressed.  BUT none of it was forced... there were moments of long comfortable connected silence too.

I have never cried and laughed so much in the same week.  I got her on twitter and she instantly was embraced there for her honest and real take on having terminal cancer.  She says all the time she has come to terms with dying, that the fear lessens all the time.  It is those she leaves behind that she worries about.  She knows we will be sad and miss her and that makes her heart ache.

She jumped on a trampoline for the first time, she let me be there to soak up her daily meditation, she let me in... Nothing was off limits. 

We talked about what she envisions the end to look like, where she is at spiritually and how much we love each other.  We also flicked each other tons of shit (sorry younger readers).

She can get some good zingers in on me and of course, cancer.  Without discussing it, we naturally took the irreverent approach.  We gave death and cancer a name and face... then we drew a mustache on it and kicked it in the balls.

This was never about "beating" cancer or "losing" the battle --- I hate those phrases - it implies they could have won or something.  This was about not letting the stigma of dying and cancer ruin our last days together... that was "beating" cancer for us!

The "C" Word again and again

For so many of us when we hear that someone we know has the "C" word ..... Cancer.
We never know quite what to think and feel.

Is it the "go get a mole removed and its like it never happened" type or is it the "Johnny found out on Tuesday and was gone by Friday" type or one of many types in between?
Will it be the "beat all the odds" story or the "medical comedy of errors should have never happened" story?

That's exactly how it was when I found out about my aunt and then we did a combo pack of the above options.

Its strange looking back at how clear and perfect God's plan always is!
A couple of years ago we had an amazing family reunion, first one in FOREVER.  (everyone else is from southern california and arizona)

We all enjoyed each other sooooo much and kept saying how needed it was. Right after she returned the "C" word was handed down.

The picture was bleak... Her PET scan was lit up like a Christmas tree, they finally decided it probably started as breast cancer.  Then the miraculous happened she went into near remission.  It all made sense then, of course she'd be fine, just a scare so we made sure to appreciate each other.

Then.... it came back with a VENGENCE.  We started to coming to the ultimate realization that it was back and was determined to stay.  My Aunt and Uncle made a trip up here to visit and connect with my family "one last time" she was exhausted and still no hair from chemo but she made the most of every moment.

I still couldn't believe that this whole thing could be happening to her... to say she is full of life is the epitome of an understatement.

The next year came and went and she was still here fighting, coping and living.  I kind of started to forget about it... She was still here and she was "fine" but my beautiful land of denial couldn't last forever.

This summer .... we really had to start coming to terms with the fact that her time on this earthly plane was limited and every day was borrowed.

That was when she made a trip up here that has forever changed who I am as a person, right down to the core of my being.

Why Im doing this....

I apologize now for my horrible writing, run on sentences, embarrassing grammar  and lazy wording :) 

I grew up with a single mom (dad not in the picture) away from all of our extended family. It was hard being in a different state than all of my aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

As early as I can remember my aunt and uncle went out of their way to make me feel special, seen, loved and included. Basically like I mattered.  To a little girl with no Daddy I can't adequately describe what that meant.  

They were the ones that always sent the coolest presents and I don't mean expensive stuff, the kind of presents that meant they knew me, saw me, got me and thought of me.  I remember when I moved into my first apartment  I received a huge box in the mail filled with junk food and college essentials (my mom was a health food nut).  First time I had ramen, lucky charms and canned chilli.  They would make sure and take me to do EVERYTHING when I stayed with them, even if it was just for a second just so I could tell people I did them.  They knew it was hard being the kid who hadn't been here or done that.  They weren't trying to spoil me... they just wanted me to be as happy as I could be.

I always felt like they not only loved me be but actually liked being around me and enjoyed me as a person too, again to a kid whose own dad didn't even want that...

So fast forward through decades of love and my Aunt is diagnosed with the "C" word