from the inside out

As most of you know now in just 2 weeks I will be with Aunt. It seems so far away, yet the 3 weeks I am there will then seem too short.

Many people have said that they appreciate the real and raw take my aunt and I have taken with this subject of life, cancer, death and LOVE.. and that means sooo much!

I went on a run today, I didn't want to one bit - I was up late, drained, fighting a migraine whine whine whine! BUT it was soooooo sunny (rare) and I wanted to not feel toooooo guilty about sitting on my ass and stuffing my face during the game so out I headed.

I was never a runner, hated it... not sure I like it now, actually... but when I run there is a part of that wall that "holds it all together"  that comes down when I run long enough allowing the demons... and the angels hiding inside me to come out for just a little while.

Today I was running -- didn't want to keep going, except for the sun on my face, I was ready to just quit.  Then one ray of very warm sunlight hit my face and instantly warmed me from the inside out.  Tears immediately started to run down my cheeks and my chest felt as though it was going to burst and explode out of my chest.  The tears coming fast and heavy, were tears of pure LOVE and JOY.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind it was Aunt visiting me.  I actually said hi to her out loud and I know she heard me.

This was a bittersweet moment for me because it means that her hold on  the physical world is slipping if she can visit me and be with me soooo completely... this realization was tough - it stopped me in my tracks and the anger and the grief tried to break through and for a moment it was hard to breathe- then ultimately I drove the fear out and just sat with the love and tenderness she was sending me.

I let the moment remind me of what I ... WE already know - that we never really leave each other, that this physical form is just one small and even, limiting piece of who we are.

In an hour or so her and I will be smack talking about football and junk food over twitter and enjoying the smart ass side of our relationship and those moments will mean just as much to me as the one on the run.... they are all who she is, what she gives me and who we are together.

Enjoy each other and GOOOOOOOO PATSSSSS!!!!