My Daughter Samira's letter about her Aunt Joyce

Tonight at dinner it was time to explain to the kids that I would be leaving and the reality of why.  We have never hid my aunt's cancer from them, nor have we hid death in general from them.  They have been to many funerals and even spent time at their great grandfather's bedside in his final days.

We have explained to them that the tears that come when some one dies are not for the person that has gone for they are in paradise but we grieve for ourselves because we will miss their physical presence, we grieve for those closest to them that will miss having them HERE.  We have tried to teach them to be a source of comfort and joy to those who are hurting at the loss of a loved one and not to shy away from the other person's pain or feel as though they have done something wrong if someone starts to cry - that is just part of the process.

My girls were, of course, upset and sad - tears were shed and plans made for gifts, pictures and stories to send with me.  The hardest hit was my oldest (11) Samira.  She could understand the finality of the situation and had spent more years with my aunt, so it wasn't surprising that she was hurting.  There were many angry tears shed and screaming "I HATE CANCER" ... can't say I disagree with her... I told her that I found writing helped me and that maybe she should try that.  

I went to work out (had some stress to relieve) when I got home she handed me her latest journal entry and asked me if I would put it on my blog... so here it is with no editing - just as she wrote it.

MY IDOLS MY HEROS

    A for aunt, J for Joyce.

6 words that my life leans on over the next 3 weeks.  

My aunt is dying of cancer, and I can't go see her.  I would cut off all my hair, give away a limb, anything to make her feel better. I would. NO joke. I wish I could be more like my mom, Nicole. She helps even when She needs help.

I wish I could make my aunt feel loved more than anything in the world.  I wish my Uncle Neil didn't have to go downhill with her.  I wish Cancer would end.  LOVE. I LOVE my family, and everyone out there. I grieve for people who have lost their lives, and are happy at the same time.  In Heaven they don't hurt.

--- Samira Weathers 

age 11 1/6 Corvallis, Oregon 

February 15th 

from the inside out

As most of you know now in just 2 weeks I will be with Aunt. It seems so far away, yet the 3 weeks I am there will then seem too short.

Many people have said that they appreciate the real and raw take my aunt and I have taken with this subject of life, cancer, death and LOVE.. and that means sooo much!

I went on a run today, I didn't want to one bit - I was up late, drained, fighting a migraine whine whine whine! BUT it was soooooo sunny (rare) and I wanted to not feel toooooo guilty about sitting on my ass and stuffing my face during the game so out I headed.

I was never a runner, hated it... not sure I like it now, actually... but when I run there is a part of that wall that "holds it all together"  that comes down when I run long enough allowing the demons... and the angels hiding inside me to come out for just a little while.

Today I was running -- didn't want to keep going, except for the sun on my face, I was ready to just quit.  Then one ray of very warm sunlight hit my face and instantly warmed me from the inside out.  Tears immediately started to run down my cheeks and my chest felt as though it was going to burst and explode out of my chest.  The tears coming fast and heavy, were tears of pure LOVE and JOY.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind it was Aunt visiting me.  I actually said hi to her out loud and I know she heard me.

This was a bittersweet moment for me because it means that her hold on  the physical world is slipping if she can visit me and be with me soooo completely... this realization was tough - it stopped me in my tracks and the anger and the grief tried to break through and for a moment it was hard to breathe- then ultimately I drove the fear out and just sat with the love and tenderness she was sending me.

I let the moment remind me of what I ... WE already know - that we never really leave each other, that this physical form is just one small and even, limiting piece of who we are.

In an hour or so her and I will be smack talking about football and junk food over twitter and enjoying the smart ass side of our relationship and those moments will mean just as much to me as the one on the run.... they are all who she is, what she gives me and who we are together.

Enjoy each other and GOOOOOOOO PATSSSSS!!!!