Damn it heaven!!! Don't you have enough angels?!? Why did you have to take mine?!?This was the my silent scream that I repeated over and over as the tears and sobs came... I sank to the bottom of my shower... beat the wall with trembling fists... rage and pain taking their only outlet ... tears...
This morning I got the call... My Mom in tears... My Aunt passed away in her sleep last night.
This is where we all say all those things that you are thinking right now... better place... peaceful... not in pain... she is with you... blah freaking blah... don't get me wrong I believe whole-heartedly in all of that... every one of those things is absolutely true. JUST NOT RIGHT NOW!!!
Right now I am selfish and incredibly pissed... I don't want her in a better place I want her HERE. I want one more hug, one more smile, one more smart ass comment, one more text telling me I can get thru this. I don't want to miss her yet.. I'm not ready ... I still need her... God Damn it!!! Im soooo angry!! I don't want to feel better... I want to hurt... because this effing sucks.This last trip just a month ago... I knew... I knew it was good bye...
She made her body go to my girls soccer games, a memory they will always have. We drove to portland just so she could experience the food carts and voodoo donuts. Im smiling just thinking about it. As angry as I am I can't help but smile when I remember her... what more of a legacy can we hope to leave.
I was so blessed that some very important people took time out to meet her in person. They immediately saw what we all did. She is pure good. Her spirit is ... well there just aren't words... I could see it in their eyes... you can't NOT be affected by being in her presence. Love - she embodied Love - the phrase unconditional love is thrown around alot; over used, misunderstood and under practiced but I can tell you with a certainty that she loves unconditionally. While we don't understand how to ...She didn't understand how NOT to.
The greatest compliment I could ever receive is to have someone say I love like my aunt.
The last text I received from my Aunt:
"I love you! You are smart - You are kind - You are beautiful. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. I will pummel them into nothingness if they do B-)"
I realize through the anger and pain how blessed I am that --- that is my last memory of her... Her loving me...
Here is a link to a story that ran a couple years ago with her in it... You know my aunt, the President and the grand canyon ... that's how she rolled
http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2009/08/15/20090815obamaarizona-ON.html
Verklempt
ReplyDeleteI called her Gigi. I still have the email exchange of the day I hung that on her. I'm sure others called her that too, and I probably wasn't the first. We talked, typed mostly, about a great many things and sometimes not much at all, but we both believed that we were put here learn from each other. When we finally did meet physically, in August of 2011, it was like we'd lived in the same house for a year. At her memorial service, when invited to speak, I had to tell them what I had learned from Gigi. I started by telling them who I was, where I was from, the circumstances or our relationship and our shared interests. She helped me become who I am. Because of my shattered past and her influence, I became a better listener and subsequently a Stephen Minister. She taught me that the more you open your heart to people, the more room you'll find you have in it. If you haven't noticed already, grief moves in waves, like the ocean you're both so fond of. Some waves are bigger than others. Some will tickle your feet while others will take your breath. Plan for it, and you'll be fine. Godspeed your pain away.
ReplyDeleteNamaste and peace.
john